


Grief inside your bones

by HobbityHan



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-07
Updated: 2016-11-07
Packaged: 2018-08-29 17:22:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8498710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HobbityHan/pseuds/HobbityHan
Summary: Everyone has different ways of dealing. Series of one shots about different characters dealing in different ways. Not in chronological order, or any order.





	1. Nightmares

Carmilla didn’t need vampire superpowers to hear the anxiety in the footsteps along the landing outside their room. They passed once with a pause and then came back. Carmilla, a long way from sleep herself, rolled away from the soundly sleeping Laura and slid out of bed. She fumbled for the hoodie Laura had dropped at the foot of the bed and pulled it on over the borrowed pyjamas she was wearing before tiptoeing over to the bedroom door. There was no one outside when she opened it, but she could see the bulk of Sherman Hollis sitting on the staircase. She went over to him. He glanced slowly up at her and then scooted sideways. She sat down on the top step, not knowing what to say, but being saved when he made a helpless gesture with his hands and spoke first.

“I watched her videos,” he said in a whisper with a glance towards Laura’s open bedroom door.

“The videos she told you not to watch?” Carmilla said.

“I know. I know,” he said. “But, I wanted to...she glossed right over the whole dying part when she explained to me what had happened in that pit and...and even though I knew she was fine, even though I knew I had kissed her goodnight three hours ago I couldn’t get the image of her lying there, still and silent out of my head. I just wanted to check she was okay.”

“Missing that baby monitor huh?” said Carmilla, aware that once upon a time Mr Hollis would have just opened his sleeping daughter’s bedroom door to reassure himself, but now it wasn’t just her room, now she was an adult with a girlfriend sharing her bed, welcomed, but an intruder none the less.

“That would be a bit intrusive….but I am considering….maybe a chip under the skin? Reporting back very basic vital signs,” he said.

“You should go check on her, reassure yourself” Carmilla said, nodding towards Laura’s bedroom door. 

Mr Hollis looked at her for a second and then pushed himself up and went to Laura’s bedroom. Carmilla shrugged and got up, she looked back at where he’d gone and then headed down the stairs.

The kettle was on the hob and beginning to come to the boil when Mr Hollis walked into the kitchen. 

He sighed heavily and rubbed his face with his hands. 

“Coffee?” offered Carmilla.

“At three am?”

Carmilla shrugged, “Do you have decaf?”

“There’s some instant cocoa behind the coffee,” he said, sinking down into a seat at the kitchen table.

Carmilla went back to the cupboard and retrieved the powder from where he said it was and a mug from the tree. There was silence as she dumped an appropriate amount of cocoa powder into a mug and added the hot water to her coffee and his hot chocolate.

“She was dreaming, I think,” Mr Hollis said as Carmilla handed him his hot chocolate and sat at the table with her coffee. “Muttering something. She used to talk in her sleep all the time. Not surprising I know.”

“She still does sometimes,” Carmilla said, “she’s got a lot to say.”

Mr Hollis chuckled, “Once she recited one of her bedtime stories from start to finish. The whole thing. She was only two.”

He sighed, “You don’t know how many nightmares I have had about something happening to her before I watched those videos and to see her dying for minutes, minutes and I know I can’t protect her from everything, but dying at nineteen is definitely something a parent should be able to stop. When I close my eyes I can see her again, lying there. She recorded a goodbye video….a goodbye video.”

He tailed off, his hands shaking and took a sip of his hot chocolate.

“I lived it,” Carmilla said quietly, she shifted uncomfortably and shrugged, “Why do you think I’m awake at three am?”

Mr Hollis smiled apologetically at her, “I’ve had a monopoly on caring about my daughter for a long time. It’s always just been me and her against the world. She’s had girlfriends before, but they were frivolous, she’s never brought one to stay like this before.”

“I didn’t really have anywhere else to go,” Carmilla said apologetically.

“No, no, that’s not what I meant. You’re welcome here. You saved her life, again, and even if you hadn’t I would never want Laura to think she couldn’t bring anyone home,” he said, waving his hands dismissively. “I miss the days when I could pretend I could keep her safe and I miss yesterday when I didn’t have an image for all my worst fears seared into my mind.”

Carmilla drank her coffee, toying with the mug.

“Must be seared into yours as well,” Mr Hollis said, looking at her.

Carmilla nodded and held up the coffee mug, “hence the three am caffeine hit. I am still getting used to this human need to sleep at night and I am not a fan to be honest.”

“You told her you’re having trouble sleeping?”

“She’s woke up sometimes, but I don’t...she’s got enough going on in her head as it is.”

“She’d want to know.”

“I know. I’ll tell her,” she said, quietly, “but for now, coffee.”

He held up his mug of hot chocolate in a cheers gesture and Carmilla mirrored him.


	2. Identity Crisis

Laura rolled over during the night, half asleep and reached for Carmilla, who wasn’t there. She stirred into wakefulness, looking for her girlfriend. 

“Carm?” She said sleepily, spotting the shadow by the window, gazing out at the night.

Carmilla looked round at her slowly, as if coming back from a long way away.

“Go back to sleep,” she said quietly.

Laura stretched, ignoring her and sat up.

“Looking at the stars?” she asked.

“Yeah,” Carmilla muttered.

“Just need to feel a little insignificant huh?”

Carmilla looked away, gazing out of the window again. 

“Something like that,” she said.

Laura pulled the crocheted blanket from the foot of the bed and wrapped it around her shoulders. 

“Thinking about all the lives you’ve led, the people you’ve been?” Laura ask as she slid off the bed and padded barefoot over to the window. She meant the comment light-heartedly, but when she got closer she saw the slump in Carmilla’s shoulders and heard her sniffle.

“Hey,” She said, regretting her flippancy and going close to Carmilla to put a hand on her shoulder. “What’s wrong?”

Carmilla shrugged, looking away at the stars again. The light from outside showed the tears on her cheeks. 

Laura stepped closer, wrapping her arms and the blanket around Carmilla’s shoulders. Carmilla turned away from the window and tucked her head into Laura’s shoulder, leaning against her. 

Laura stroked Carmilla’s hair and kissed the top of her head. 

“Wanna help me out?” Laura asked.

Carmilla sighed and slid her hands around Laura’s waist to snuggle into her. 

“I was just wondering about who I might have become if I hadn’t been murdered.” 

“So middle of the night existential angst. Got it,” Laura said.

“I’d have been married off, eventually, I should have had a match already, but my Father was determined to use his only daughter to get the most advantageous match. He wanted a marriage that would bring him wealth or political power.” Carmilla shifted in Laura’s arms to look out at the sky again, her head pillowed against Laura’s shoulder. “Maybe my husband would have been a decent man, maybe he wouldn’t, I’d have run a household, had children. Died. In childbirth? Of cholera? Or smallpox? Seen my children die in infancy?”

Laura kissed her head,“Can’t say I ever thought I would be saying I was glad someone was murdered at eighteen, but that sounds...lonely and terrifying.”

Carmilla shrugged against her, “I didn’t know any better at eighteen. That was the only path ahead of me.”

“That life, Carm...being turned into a vampire changes people, but it didn’t make you clever, or strong, or a lesbian. You told me it gave you freedom. Tainted as that was by your Mother, it was still freedom. Being a vampire didn’t change you. It allowed you to be you, not just some girl trapped by the society she lived in.”

“I’ve had centuries of having that freedom, the freedom that a powerful parent brings you, of being invulnerable and strong and powerful. What am I now? Just a girl again? A girl like I was before.”

“Just a girl,” Laura agreed, “Just a girl whose first act when made mortal was to risk her life gambling with a death goddess and whose last act as a vampire was taking on not only a Goddess, but her abusive mother. I don’t think the mortal/vampire dichotomy is the deciding factor here.”

Carmilla stirred and lifted her head from Laura’s shoulder to look at her. She brushed the back of her fingers against Laura’s cheek and smiled sadly at her.

“And don’t say you just did it for me. The gambling with the death goddess, yes, but you were gunning for your Mother,” Laura said.

“She had it coming,” Carmilla said, smirking a little.

“That we can agree on.”

“It’s ironic,” Carmilla said, looking out of the window again, “that death gave me the freedom to live this life. Twice. For centuries I was selfish and dangerous and….”

“Under the power of your evil goddess mother working a long-game plan to end the world slash get back with her ex….but continue.”

“I enjoyed it, not all of it, but….I murdered people, lured them to their deaths, revelled in violence and mostly because I could. I was death on dark wings and I could indulge every whim and I did and I enjoyed it. The world was mine for the taking and I took it.”

“And now you’re just a girl. As vulnerable as the rest of us. Not knowing where you fit in this crazy world. Not knowing where you belong or who you are or who you want to be?”

Carmilla nodded slowly.

“Welcome to growing up,” Laura said. “It sucks.”

“I think this is on a different scale cupcake.”

“Maybe, but it’s the same feelings. You’ve just had a few hundred year run up and some complications along the way. We’ve both got to work out who we are now, to ourselves and to each other. It’ll take time,” Laura said. She put a hand to Carmilla’s cheek to turn her gaze away from the window to look at her, “I know all that. I know who you were and I have seen who you have become and I love you, I love all of you….okay sometimes I don’t love the dirty clothes every where and how does your hair end up everywhere, and I mean, everywhere? Seriously and you could maybe try buying groceries once in a while since you eat actual food now, you could also try eating actual food too, I’ve been googling the symptoms of scurvy and….”

Carmilla kissed her, stopping her mid-sentence, kissed her hard, but not passionately. 

“I love you”, she said, breaking the kiss and looking at Laura, who smiled. 

“You make me feel human,” Carmilla said.

“You’re still a terrible room mate. I don’t think that’s ever gonna change.”

“Yeah, but I’m your terrible room mate.”

“You certainly are,” Laura said, resting her cheek against the top of Carmilla’s head. 

“Fancy continuing your existential angst in bed? My feet are like ice.”

Carmilla looked down at her bare feet and frowned, “Mine too.”

“How long have you been stood here in bare feet? We are going to have to make sure you know about frost bite before winter.”


	3. Intrusive Thoughts and Humour

Laf’s peripheral vision was somewhat reduced, so when the ball of wool smacked them in the side of the head they jumped and made a slightly squeaky noise.

“Laf, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry,” Laura exclaimed, clearly the source of the projectile yarn as the only other person in the room. She hurried over, but Laf was already grinning.

“It was only wool. It’s soft. I suppose I should be grateful you didn’t throw the needles at me.”

Laura shrugged and looked angrily at the knitting needles in her hand.

“What did the wool do to piss you off anyway?” Laf asked as Laura bent down to scoop it up from the floor and give it another dirty look. 

Laura frowned and then looked at Laf. “It isn’t helping,” she said with frustration, throwing herself back down into her chair.

“Shocker that the strategy that didn’t help you before is still not helping you now,” quipped Laf.

The scowl Laura gave them wasn’t entirely serious.

“What’re you reading anyway?” Laura asked.

“It’s a paper on prosthetics, figured I should work out some of the theory before I try and make that laser eye. Wouldn’t want to screw up and take out my good eye.”

“No, that would be bad,” agreed Laura, frowning. “I can’t believe how calm you are about this.”

Laf shrugged, “You can’t change the past Laura, so why dwell in it.”

“I wish it was that simple,” Laura said with a sigh.

“It totally is. Just don’t think about it. Think about cool laser eyes, hey I could do that...what’s it called where you burn designs into wood?”

“It’s just called wood burning, I looked it up on pinterest a few months ago, but thought it was too likely to anger the cantankerous sentient building full of flammable materials we were trapped in.”

“Good call. But I could take that up, no tools needed, just adjust the setting and pew….and I’d have a built in laser pointer if I’m ever a professor and need to give lectures. I would have to have an automatic cut out though, I wouldn’t want to blind any students.”

“Laf...” Laura said, tailing off and no sure what she was about to say. 

Laf put the paper down and looked at her, “What’re you trying to block out? Maybe trying to suppress it with the scarf worthy of the fourth Doctor isn’t the right strategy?”

Laura shook her head and looked down at the pile of scarf in her lap, Laf had a point, at this point it was only good for a giraffe. “I dunno,” she said, “Everything. I just keep thinking about everything and it goes round and round and round my head and I keep thinking about Carm dying, or you dying or my Dad dying or any of our friends and not even in the pit...just in general, like, what if Carm forgets to look before she crosses the road? That wouldn’t have been a big deal before, now….and I’ve seen you tripping with your left foot on stairs, what if you fall and break your neck…and what about by worrying about it I make it happen...”

“Woah,” Laf said, “enough with the catastrophising, we’ve had enough with the actual catastrophe and you do not have magic powers, unless you count your insane capacity to monologue. Frosh...here.” They leant forward and rummaged through the pile of papers on the desk in front. “I printed this off, it might help.”

“I thought I told you you were cut off from Psychology today,” Laura said, taking the article.

“I ignored you. Read it, it’s about mindfulness and monitoring for dealing with intrusive thoughts, which is what you have.”

“I’m not going crazy?”

“No more than usual. You know, when you go back to college you should try turning up to freshman psychology, it is interesting. Surprising amount of Math though, just to warn you.”

Laura smiled and flicked through the paper, not reading it just yet, but intending to, “Thanks Laf.”

“For the paper? No worries, I figured one of us was going to need it after everything.”

“For making me feel normal,” Laura said.

“Oh I’m good at that,” Laf said with a grin, “I provide a great comparison. No matter how far out someone thinks they are...I’m always further.”

“That’s not what I meant,” Laura said. 

“I know, but humour is my way of dealing. Say, you reckon I could put a microwave setting on my new eye? Might be handy to heat up hot drinks without, you know, shattering the mug.”

“We should probably avoid anything with a risk of flying shards of hot crockery.”

“Noted, but I am adding heating up hot drinks to my list of desired features. I want to convince Perry it is a good idea. She thinks I should just leave it to the specialist, I just want to collaborate with them to get something we’re both happy with.”


End file.
